Corporate double speak

[TastyReuben]

( Mod edit: moved to new topic. KKA)

This sounds so weird to me - Boxing Day (Dec 26th) is a statutory holiday here in Canada.

I’m incredibly lucky - because I work at a school, I don’t have to go back until Jan 6th.

I laugh (to keep from crying) at the end-of-year emails from on high. They all follow this format:

1. We had a successful and productive year, and it’s all down to you. I’m humbled by the quality of employees we have and honored to work with each and every one of you.

2. During this period of holiday busyness in our personal lives, please take the time to focus on what’s really important - family, friends, and loved ones. Truly, that is all that matters, not stock dividends or meeting shareholder expectations.

3. The <bleeping> second whatever measly time off you’ve been granted has passed, I expect you back at it, working harder than ever, to make this company a success in 2025, which is shaping up to be the most challenging year ever. As my mentor once said, “Be here all the earlier next morning!”

 

[SandwichShortOfAPicnic]

I laugh (to keep from crying) at the end-of-year emails from on high. They all follow this format:

1. We had a successful and productive year, and it’s all down to you. I’m humbled by the quality of employees we have and honored to work with each and every one of you.

2. During this period of holiday busyness in our personal lives, please take the time to focus on what’s really important - family, friends, and loved ones. Truly, that is all that matters, not stock dividends or meeting shareholder expectations.

3. The <bleeping> second whatever measly time off you’ve been granted has passed, I expect you back at it, working harder than ever, to make this company a success in 2025, which is shaping up to be the most challenging year ever. As my mentor once said, “Be here all the earlier next morning!”

That would make me less inclined to come back “working hader than ever”
Corporate psychos demonstrating exactly how much they don’t get people!

 

[Barriehie]

I laugh (to keep from crying) at the end-of-year emails from on high. They all follow this format:

1. We had a successful and productive year, and it’s all down to you. I’m humbled by the quality of employees we have and honored to work with each and every one of you.

2. During this period of holiday busyness in our personal lives, please take the time to focus on what’s really important - family, friends, and loved ones. Truly, that is all that matters, not stock dividends or meeting shareholder expectations.

3. The <bleeping> second whatever measly time off you’ve been granted has passed, I expect you back at it, working harder than ever, to make this company a success in 2025, which is shaping up to be the most challenging year ever. As my mentor once said, “Be here all the earlier next morning!”

You can do like others and reply appropriately with a non-disclosed/anonymous email just like all the surveys you get from on high...

(You really think we're that stupid???)

 

[medtran49]

I laugh (to keep from crying) at the end-of-year emails from on high. They all follow this format:

1. We had a successful and productive year, and it’s all down to you. I’m humbled by the quality of employees we have and honored to work with each and every one of you.

2. During this period of holiday busyness in our personal lives, please take the time to focus on what’s really important - family, friends, and loved ones. Truly, that is all that matters, not stock dividends or meeting shareholder expectations.

3. The <bleeping> second whatever measly time off you’ve been granted has passed, I expect you back at it, working harder than ever, to make this company a success in 2025, which is shaping up to be the most challenging year ever. As my mentor once said, “Be here all the earlier next morning!”

Did the first 2 come with a nice year end bonus? If not

 

[TastyReuben]

Did the first 2 come with a nice year end bonus? If not

We actually don’t get calendar year-end bonuses, we get any bonuses when we have our annual performance/salary review in March of each year.

 

[karadekoolaid]

1. We had a successful and productive year, and it’s all down to you. I’m humbled by the quality of employees we have and honored to work with each and every one of you.

Interpretation: we did OK, but that's all your fault.We're only honoured to work with you because we're too mean to hire younger,more expensive employees.

2. During this period of holiday busyness in our personal lives, please take the time to focus on what’s really important - family, friends, and loved ones. Truly, that is all that matters, not stock dividends or meeting shareholder expectations.

Interpretation: focus on your family because you've only got a couple of days. And I lied about the stock, dividends and shareholders.

3. The <bleeping> second whatever measly time off you’ve been granted has passed, I expect you back at it, working harder than ever, to make this company a success in 2025, which is shaping up to be the most challenging year ever. As my mentor once said, “Be here all the earlier next morning!”

Interpretation: next year, we're going to put you all under the grindstone. There's no challenge in 2025 except to make more money. Anyone who's late will be shot.

 

[karadekoolaid]

Nothing has changed since I was "downsized"from corporate in 2001, except that the company was losing 11% market share every 2 months, so perhaps it was to be expected. Corporate is very similar to politics.
The VP had tears in his eyes when he gave me the (good) news - he was the only decent executive there.
The new GM ( an arrogant 31 yr old) insisted on an exit interview, which I said was irrelevant.
"So, what are your plans for the future?"
"Haven't got any yet"
"You mean, you're not looking for another executive position??? "
"Nope, I may just become a poodle hairdresser".
"Seriously? Now you have me worried! I can get you some professional counselling if you want"
"Nope. I've got a degree and two postgrads, I don't need a shrink"
( Arrogant lasted 8 months in the job)

Then the VP came down to see me, to assure everything was fine. He invited me for drinks, only drank soda water...and I paid the bill.

 

[SandwichShortOfAPicnic]

My least favourite - “streamlining” aka we’re going to be getting rid of people and not supplying enough of what you need to do the job properly BUT we expect you to somehow make it work anyway.
Generally we’re going to create such a fearful environment you’ll do whatever we say because you’re going to be worrying about keeping your job.

 

[karadekoolaid]

How about "synergy", "leverage" and "we're taking a holistic approach"??

 

[karadekoolaid]

1) work together or else.
2) I'm winning this argument because I'm on a higher pay scale
3) Either you get your s*** together, or you'r ALL fired!

 

[SandwichShortOfAPicnic]

How about "synergy", "leverage" and "we're taking a holistic approach"??

One of the ones that used to make me want to tear my hair out is -“thinking outside the box”
I used to look at the moron saying it and think “You don’t appear to be able to think in the box let alone outside it”

It always carried the implication that you were somehow a bit stupid and needed to try harder, whilst simultaneously saying nothing at all of any use!

 

[Herbaceous]

We actually don’t get calendar year-end bonuses, we get any bonuses when we have our annual performance/salary review in March of each year.

That’s one disadvantage of working at a publicly-funded institution. We don’t get bonuses at all.

The tradeoff is that we DO get very generous vacation time, good benefits, and a pension.

 

[Herbaceous]

How about "synergy", "leverage" and "we're taking a holistic approach"??

I am really starting to hate “opportunity space” (my boss uses it constantly), “innovation” (WAY overused) and “strategic thinking”. I also hate “earned value management” just because it sounds so corporate.

I must admit, one time I used “negative externalities” unironically in a meeting and thought to myself “welp, I’m officially a corporate lackey now”.

 

[karadekoolaid]

He invited me for drinks, only drank soda water...and I paid the bill.

...but I charged it to expenses

 

[TastyReuben]

Two from today:

1. “Bubble up” - as in, “I’m not in the diagnostic tool every day, so it can take a while for issues to bubble up to me.”

This one gets included not because it’s annoying on its own, but due to repetition. A new senior executive joined the company a few months ago, so they’ve been hosting a lot of meetings, and it’s one of their pet phrases, which means…now it’s every middle manager’s pet phrase as well. I was on a two-hour meeting today (I can’t even…), and it was bubble up this and bubble up that and bubble up over there, too - everyone was bubbling up all over everyone else, trying to see who could use the new hep (as in, ass-kissing) phrase the most.

2. “Don’t try and boil the ocean” - as in, “Look, we need to approach this sensibly and address the issues as they occur, solve them that way. Don’t try and boil the ocean, okay? Let’s just go forward methodically on this.”

This one becomes exponentially infuriating when paired with that other old favorite, “low-hanging fruit.” - continuing from above, “Don’t try and boil the ocean, okay? Let’s just go forward methodically on this and target the low-hanging fruit, and get some wins on this.”