Ok, so I want to know why every cookbook and TV show and blog that deals with afternoon tea invariably describes it as some effortless thing that can be thrown together at the last minute? Every time I make afternoon tea, it takes me all day and I'm exhausted at the end. I swear, it's worse than getting Thanksgiving dinner on the table!
I actually started yesterday, and made white chocolate truffles and cupcakes, minus the frosting. I figure I was pretty damn with-it, getting such a head start on things. I slept the sleep of the smug last night.
This morning, the first thing I had to do was make spiced whipped cream, because the recipe said it had to sit "at least six hours" after steeping and before whipping. No problem, got that knocked right out.
Then I made the little toasty bread cups...the egg mayonnaise...cooked the bacon for the palmiers later...no problems at all.
All that went so well, I decided to go into town and check the four places that might possibly have Christmas plates; Walmart, ALDI, Ollie's, and Big Lots.
That's when it all started to unravel.
First stop, Walmart. They had some Christmas stuff out, even a couple of dishes, but mostly things like pickle trays. No plates, so I went back to their regular dish department...no Christmas plates, but they did have some burgundy plates that would work, especially on a green tablecloth...hmmmm...
Back to the tablecloths, no green, then up to the Christmas area, where they had...tablecloths! Yes! Let's see...red, red, red plaid, red...red...they're all red! That won't work!
Thought on my feet and decided to get the red and black plaid one, on the pretty good chance (I figured, stupid me) that one of the other three places would have some dark green dishes. That's a common color, right?
Down to ALDI. Didn't expect much, didn't find much. Disappointed in Ollie's as well.
C'mon...Big Lots! Daddy needs a new set of plates!
What did I find at Big Lots? A moth**fu*****
green plaid tablecloth! I could have bought the burgundy plates at Walmart! Dammit!
No worries. They'll have the plates. They'll have the plates. They
have to have the plates.
They didn't have the plates.
Now, believe it or not, but I have a little quirk in my personality that absolutely forbids me from backtracking in the same day. There was no way I could make myself buy the green tablecloth, then go back to Walmart and buy the red plates. I tried. I really did. I sat in the car and willed it to go to Walmart. But I just couldn't do it.
So...no plates for me.
Back home, and back to work. I told MrsT my tale of woe, to which she replied, unimpressed:
"You shoulda just bought the red plates. We already have a green table cloth."
Sigh... Made the frosting and finished the cupcakes. Forgot to set out the cream cheese and butter before I left, so that slowed me down a little and just added to my hurt feelings.
Went to decorate the tops using little gummy fruit slices. You ever cut room-temperature gummy fruit slices? I have. Today. They don't cut so much as smoosh down onto the cutting board, impossible to get back up.
Now I'm a little more behind.
Oh well, time to start the scones, and since they're yeasted, they have to rise. That works out ok, got those going, then turned to do the puff pastry palmiers and...where's the puff pastry? I know I set it right here...oh, nope, still in the freezer, hard as a slab of marble.
Ok, I'll get the sandwiches done. Where's the cream cheese I sat out earlier? I need to make the sandwich spread? Oh, look, I was so smart, I put it back in the damn fridge! Idiot!
So...I took a break. After my little rest, trying to collect my thoughts, I went back and made the sandwiches, then thought I should take the truffles out of the fridge to soften a little so I could roll them in crushed peppermint.
Moved the puff pastry out of the way to make room for the truffles and...puff pastry! It's been out over an hour now! And the recipe says to barely thaw it, to make it easier to roll!
Now I'm really getting behind and feeling the heat. I quickly get the puff rolled out a bit, get the cheese down, the bacon down, the olives, and get it rolled up and cut, on the baking sheet...like a flash to the oven...which is ice-cold.
Crap! Forgot to preheat the oven! On with the oven.
Crap! The scones weren't supposed to rise more than an hour! It's been 90 minutes. Crap! Crap-crap-crap!!!
Tossed the scones in the cold garage to slow those down, finally into the oven with the puff, which doesn't take 15 minutes like the recipe says, more like 25. I don't know why, but now I expect tea will be ready sometime next week.
Out with the puff, in with the scones. Finally, the home stretch! Get the sandwiches out! Fill the croustade with the egg! Put the whipped cream in a...CRAP!!! The whipped <bleeping> creeeeaaammm!!!
And of course my mixer bowl is dirty from the frosting.
Washed that, whipped the cream, got it in a bowl, got the scones out to cool, got those and the puffy twists (or the twisty puffs) out, cupcakes on the stand, along with the truffles...
"Well, crap! I forgot to take these out earlier! They're too hard to roll in the peppermint!"
I figured that could be sacrificed, and finally, finally got this on the table:
TastyReuben’s Catering Service.
Good afternoon. I’d like to order some nibblings for our Christmas tea party. 50, no 60 Danish pastries with Hungarian almond paste and Estonian butter. Yes, Estonian butter. I’ve heard it’s the best. And then 40 vanilla curd cupcakes made from REAL vanilla beans and organic eggs… from Gasper Family Farm, unquestionably. I’d like you to garnish them with mauve pansy petals and gummy bears cut in halves from head to paw. Not sideways! And only green gummy bears – or red if they’ve run out of the green ones. Two gummy bears, four pieces per cupcake. The pansies… Mauve. No, no it’s not pink, blue or purple. A greyish broken shade of pink with a hint of blue. Just a hint. And 64 palmiers filled with Provolone, fried banana shallots and Jamón Ibérico from La Bodega. I’ll pick them up at 6 o’clock. I need to rent 30 red Christmas plates as well..., traditional decoration but with a modern Scandinavian twist. I’m sure that’s not a problem. See you in a few hours. Ta’dah!
Dropped into the chair, exhausted, nerves shot beyond belief, and told MrsT, "You pour, please. If I have to do one more thing, I'm going to hang myself!"
"Sure, no problem," she said, reaching for the pot.
"Um...you didn't make tea. There's no tea in here. It's empty."
Which is why I'm writing this from the afterlife (hey, atheists...we were wrong, but it's cool, they play a lot of disco here, just as I suspected
). I've just kicked Jesus square in the
for people making such a big deal out of his birthday.
I don't know when I'll ever recover from this to do another one. A week, at least. Maybe 10 days.
.
