The General Chat Thread (2016-2022)

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LissaC said:
Grandma did her usual Christmas act. This year she was invited to spend Christmas eve at my aunt's house, even before that my aunt told me and grandma she would spend the 25 at my grandma's, but yesterday morning my grandma told me she had no idea what my aunt would do for Christmas, told my mom my aunt refused to spend Christmas with her, then told my aunt she was upset and wanted to be alone for Christmas.

I thought maybe she's showing first signs of dementia but my dad said she's done stuff like this in Christmas past, like telling my aunt she was spending Christmas with my dad and telling my dad she was spending Christmas with my aunt, having my aunt argue with my dad over leaving mom alone for Christmas, then complaining she has two children and they both leave her alone during Christmas. She does these kinds of things every year since I can remember. She gets invited to spend Christmas with several people including my dad (before he stopped talking to her), my aunt, the neigbours, the parents of my mom's boyfriend. She really doesn't want to spend Christmas alone so she declines all invitations, tells everyone she's alone during Christmas, argues with every family member willing to talk with her, spends Christmas eve crying, then me and my aunt usually go and meet her because we pity her and can't leave her alone during important dates.

My therapist says she's like this because it works. My dad was the only one who took a stand and stopped talking with her, me and my aunt end up giving her what she wants more or else. This didn't make sense to me at all but yesterday I had my ah-ah moment. I had told my grandma I would spend Christmas with my mom and I wouldn't see her this year and I wasn't even worried because I knew my aunt was spending Christmas with her. When my aunt told me they argued and grandma was alone for Christmas I changed my plans and decided to surprise visit her today, but I didn't tell grandma. So yesterday my mom went to my grandma and they were exchanging gifts when my grandma said "Leave Melissa's gift here, she'll probably come tomorrow".

And guess who visited grandma today? My aunt. She got us so well wrapped around her finger she knows too well we won't leave her alone during Christmas.

Truth is me and my aunt may get upset with her but somehow we always give in. She could simply accept one of the 3 or 4 Christmas invitations she gets but she prefers to put us all through the drama. I really can't understand any of this.

(Btw I ended up not seeing her during Christmas. I left my mom's house too late and I felt tired and anyways my grandma is a lost case. I'll see her tomorrow like I do every week).
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I reckon you are coping well and mjd understands this very well. Stay strong. I also want Christmas to be over!
 
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LissaC , some people are just that way. My mother kidnapped my daughter when she was between 9 and 10, and had to be threatened with me pressing charges before she brought her back, constantly tried to guilt me over things, stole things that were given to me because in her mind I wouldn't take care of them to pass them down to my daughter eventually, even implied to friends that Craig was molesting my daughter (he's not her bio father, but a father of the heart) because she was jealous of the time we spent with him, plus so much more, and consequently we ended up not having a lot to do with her, though never stopped DD from seeing her once she was older. On the rare occasions she was invited into our home, she would come and then spend the entire time ragging on me for the way I kept house (it was clean, but messy, everything was never in its place) and our cooking, it was too salty, too peppery, not done enough, too done, etc, etc. One day at the table she started in on me and I just snapped. Told her if she disliked everything so much that the door was right over there and she was more than welcome to use it. She got up from the table, went to the family room, sat down on the couch and started audibly crying. I told Craig and DD to eat their dinner and ignore her. About 10-15 minutes later, she came back, sat down and finished her dinner without a word. Never criticized again, at least to my face, though DD told me she did to her until she finally shut her down. After that, invitations to our home became even more rare. We'd take her to a restaurant more often than not where we could take her home after the meal. You just have to decide how much you are willing to tolerate then go from there. They won't change, ever.
 
medtran49 so sorry to hear you go through that too 🥺 Sadly there are more of us with crazy family members than I would expect. I believe if all of us were to shut down grandma she would eventually "behave", but my aunt would never do that. I like the way you are setting boundaries with your mother, which is what I try to do with my grandma, with partial success (I was able to define how often and when we see each other). She's been like this every Christmas of my life but somehow it still shakes me so much. I usually love giving and receiving gifts but during Christmas I look at my gifts and I want to cry I don't want any material things at this time. But you are right, she's never gonna change. Take care and wish you love and peace to you and your family.
 
Lest we forget........

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TastyReuben said:
Believe me, it's every family.
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I have to disagree,I believe my family all get along and respectful of others. I've never heard a bad word about my son or daughter. I was raised to get along and look after family and friends.
I sad when I read some comments who have family that don't appreciate what they have. I've come across people like some mentioned above, I move on. We don't need these people in our lives.
We have both here had same childhood friends to this day. We are hosting a New Year's Eve do for our friends. I'm doing the food. They have been told to just bring booze, I've got the rest sorted. I expect 10 to 15?
I told them it's because I appreciate their friendships.

Russ
 
TastyReuben said:
Believe me, it's every family.
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Yep this happens a lot more than people think, though every family may be an exaggeration. My family thinks I am the crazy one though, because that's what they've heard from my parents since I was a toddler. My parents both have a serious personality disorder I talked about before on here, but it's amazing that when I grew up nobody in my family ever reached out or made an attempt to get to know me.

I've tried reaching out to my uncles this year and only got told I'm responsible to make it right with my parents and if I don't they don't want to see me.

Well, I rather am the black sheep than the abused sheep so I'm not doing that. It was very dissapointing.
 
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rascal said:
I have to disagree,I believe my family all get along and respectful of others. I've never heard a bad word about my son or daughter. I was raised to get along and look after family and friends.
I sad when I read some comments who have family that don't appreciate what they have. I've come across people like some mentioned above, I move on. We don't need these people in our lives.
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I agree, my in laws are the most stable family I ever met where people are happy and solid personalities. So glad to have a second family that does know what love is 😍
 
LissaC said:
Thank you so much for your kind words❤️ and for the book recommendation, I don't think I've heard of that one before. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. This is not an easy time for people like you and me who come from difficult families. We survive but it's just really stressful. Christmas has ended anyway, better days lay ahead :)
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I hope you've also got some chosen family or friends who make up for this stressful experience, it can be so hard to deal with these people. Just remember that in the end, they are the ones who benefit least from their show. They get what they give eventually.
 
Windigo said:
I hope you've also got some chosen family or friends who make up for this stressful experience, it can be so hard to deal with these people. Just remember that in the end, they are the ones who benefit least from their show. They get what they give eventually.
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Thankfully I do, and like rascal said I do know families who get along reasonably well. My grandma is one of the most important people in my life, she's always there for us when we need her and I want to be there for her when she needs me to. I know she needs company and that's the one thing we can't give her. She's a very sad woman because she chooses to.
 
My in-laws all get along as a family and welcomed me in when my family threw me out several decades ago. They never asked questions, just made me feel safe and tbh, I realised for the first time what a stable family was like. Everyone looking out for each other.

My family and my upbringing, I would not wish on my worst enemy. My real father was a physically violent alcoholic who had a drug habit (as well as smoking) and was a dealer as well. We moved around a lot when I was young to stay one step ahead of the law. He finally moved to south Africa. Best thing that happened for a while. Mum remarried. Same story only this time a verbally abusive alcoholic. Divorced... now married to a really nice guy, though can be difficult to get on with. He can't drink (goes to AA meetings) because of the obvious issues. Was in the past. Mum still drinks way too much, sadly so does my sister though she's learning. None of us had especially good childhoods, but myself and brother 1 got to do it twice instead of the once brother 2 and sister got...

Yeah, I think it just runs in families and some need lessons more than others. Ironically it's the lawyers and nurses in our family that seen to need more help than the bus drivers and mill workers of my husband's family. They are much more stable, down to earth and just friendly, supportive and don't try cornering you and expecting you to pick sides.
 
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