I like her music, but just have a bad taste left from that snubbing. It may sound petty, but I was 24 and trying to earn a living as a budding photographer.
CD
The General Chat Thread (2016-2022)
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I like her music, but just have a bad taste left from that snubbing. It may sound petty, but I was 24 and trying to earn a living as a budding photographer.
CD
Lullabelle
Midlands, England
Not petty no, some artists are divas/rude.
Lullabelle
Midlands, England
Cracking pair of legs.
Windigo
Kitchen Witch
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Have a good Thanksgiving everyone who celebrates!
Lullabelle
Midlands, England
Black Friday appears to have been going on all week 
I live 250 miles from my parents, so I only visit them a few times per year. I am at their house now, for the first time in six months. My dad is 87, but from my perspective, he has aged 5 years in six months. Need to talk to my sister. I think the next year is going to be very difficult, requiring some conversations with my dad that he is not going to want to have.
Anyone else here been through this phase in life?
CD
Anyone else here been through this phase in life?
CD
In my case its my partner who has early dementia. Its possible to cope right now and I can leave him on his own. This probably isn't going to last.
Yes
Yep, and still going thru it. Mom had a stroke abd lost physical mobility but not mental. The day after Mom was admitted to hospital Dad stopped driving and the decline began. Thankfully, we never had to have the “please give me your keys conversation” with Dad. He made the decision on his own.
Three years after mom’s stroke Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers... He lived another 5 years in mental hell or rather purgatory because he knew us but other mental thoughts did not add up or make sense like sometimes forgetting how to eat.
If I could offer anything - take all advice with a grain of salt.Trust your gut and do what you can to support / help. Eat a big dose of patience each day, you will need it. Not just for your parents but dealing with their medical appts and businesses/insurance, etc. If you have been close to your parents, then probably no one knows your parents better than you. Always remember that. Don’t be guided by guilt or other people telling you what to do if you don’t agree with them. Medical professionals surely can help make a bad situation better but, they are not the end all / be all. Most of all, don’t be hard on yourself, there are somethings we cannot control.
Apologies if I come across as preachy - just stating what I have learned the past eight plus years.
rascal
Forum GOD!
rascal
Forum GOD!
Wife's bestie passed away 2 or 3 years ago, after about 8? Years of hell. I couldn't go see her in the end, it was just heart breaking. My mum and my m.i.l passed real quick, so I had never experienced dementia. My thoughts are with anyone that has to see it and deal with it. It's so cruel!!
Russ
Russ
Yeah, we've had that with my MIL and we're starting to deal with it with my folks.
My FIL declined quickly and died somewhat unexpectedly, though he was 77. We figured out really quickly that he'd been shielding the extent of his wife's dementia. She made it another three months on her own before one of her daughters went down to FL, put her in the car, and permanently moved her halfway across the country to live with them.
That conversation was, "I'm NOT moving!" (packs suitcase), "There's NOTHING you can say to MAKE me move!" (puts coat on and gets in car), "I'm NOT moving and that's all there is to it!" (drives to Missouri), "I have my OWN house and am perfectly fine!" (gets out of car and goes to her new bedroom.
After about 18 months, she had to go into care, and it was the same thing, said she wasn't moving all while unpacking her bag at the facility.
That would be the first piece of advice - don't beat yourself up if a care facility is the best option. My MIL nearly killed herself and others (not attempted suicide/homicide, just accidents) on four occasions before my SIL sucked it up and did what was necessary. Sometimes, professional care is called for. She died three years later, and by that time, it really was a blessing for her.
On my side, my dad (81) is at the stage where he pretty much knows everyone, but he can't remember much from one minute to the next, so it's impossible to carry on any kind of conversation beyond, "How ya doin', Dad?" He's like a tape loop, he just repeats the same jokes and stories and stories and jokes over and over again.
It's hard to explain, but there's just no context to what he says - I can be talking to my mom (who's forgetful but otherwise sharp as a tack), and this'll happen:
"So, Mom, did you say Janet called yesterday?"
"Yes, she sure did and she wa-"
"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK THE SAME ABOUT THAT AS I DO ABOUT THE FELLER WITH ONE LEG...HE COULD RUN FAST, BUT HE SURE COULDN'T GET ANYWHERE! Yessir...had one leg!..."
He's also got mobility problems, but won't use a scooter or wheelchair. He mainly goes from sitting in his lounger to sitting in his car to lying in his bed.
Scary thing is, he still drives, and Mom supports that, because she loves to go go go, but she doesn't like to drive. He has no idea how to get anywhere anymore, so Mom directs and he drives, and let's just say, he's never met a red light or a stop sign that he hasn't run. Mom tells me every time I call about the nine near-misses on the way to town and the 12 near-misses on the way back, but her attitude is, "What're gonna do? You can't expect us to sit at home all day!"
Mom is starting to lose it caring for my dad. Dad and Mom have a very traditional relationship for their generation - he says jump, she says how high, and he leads and she follows. If he says something blatantly bonkers, like, "I'm cutting that giant oak tree down that's right next to the house, now get me mah chain saw," she's not going to tell him no or try to persuade him out of it. He's the man, he's the boss, and if that's what he wants, then that's what she supports, but it's wearing her out, because he can't talk to their financial planner anymore, he can't deal with telemarketers or the doctors anymore, it's thrust her into more of a leadership position, and it's really doing her nervous system in.
All us kids have taken a hands-off approach, because you can't talk to Dad sensibly anymore, and Mom can't make a decision to save her life. So I'm just waiting for that phone call one day that Dad's driven through a street fair or Mom has had a heart attack from the stress.
Echoing Backbay, though - patience. You'll learn more about patience than you thought possible. My wife had a major stroke six years ago, but has mostly recovered, but it's affected her enough to drive us both crazy. The key for both of us to make it through the day is patience with her and with each other. Patience with not rushing MrsTasty when she can't find the word she needs (even though I know what she means), patience with myself for when I do lose my temper and speak sharply to her for forgetting to do something she said she'd do, and she has to be forgiving of herself for not being the person she once was.
One other thing - with her parents, my wife had full medical and financial power of attorney. Make sure someone in the family (who can be trusted) has that. Don't wait until they're too far gone, or it's harder to get, because the courts have to get involved. Get it now, and it'll make life so much easier.
Good luck with everything you're going through. You, too, Backbay
Thanks. One problem is that I am not very close to my parents. I moved out at 17, the day after I graduated high school. 250 miles is about as close as I have lived to them since.
My mom is ready to move into assisted living, if it becomes necessary. My dad is a retired president of a major corporation, so he is used to calling all the shots. He listens to me on some things, but gets mad if I bring up subjects he doesn't want to talk about -- like driving.
My parents and a 14-year-old poodle with diabetes live in a 4,000 square foot house with a big yard and a pool. My dad totaled a $70,000 car two years ago. At that time, his driving was not too bad, compared to now -- and he drives somewhere EVERY day. Driving equals freedom to him. My sister and I will have to pry his car keys out of his hand with a crow bar.
CD
More on the POA and all that...if it's you, and you have siblings, be prepared to see a side of some family you really hoped didn't exist. I've seen it with my mom's family, my in-laws when my FIL's mom went into care and finally passed, and now with my wife's family.
People will be upset they weren't chosen, or they'll be upset with the will and expect you to "just change it" (and no amount of pointing out you can't "just change it" will suffice), they won't like your decisions, no matter what you decide. So gird your loins, as they say, and prepare for some real unpleasantness, and hope that it doesn't happen.
The second point is, if you do become the POA, you're in for some amazingly complex and frustrating legal wrangling, depending on how the estate is set up (revocable trusts, irrevocable trusts, annuities, insurance policies, etc).
MrsTasty's mom left enough behind that it had to be managed, but not so much that it warranted the effort we had to expend to get it settled. Even after hiring a professional personal estate manager, it took over three years just to get everything disbursed, and without his help, it would have never gotten done. I've never been through anything so frustrating in my life. So gird up for that as well.
People will be upset they weren't chosen, or they'll be upset with the will and expect you to "just change it" (and no amount of pointing out you can't "just change it" will suffice), they won't like your decisions, no matter what you decide. So gird your loins, as they say, and prepare for some real unpleasantness, and hope that it doesn't happen.
The second point is, if you do become the POA, you're in for some amazingly complex and frustrating legal wrangling, depending on how the estate is set up (revocable trusts, irrevocable trusts, annuities, insurance policies, etc).
MrsTasty's mom left enough behind that it had to be managed, but not so much that it warranted the effort we had to expend to get it settled. Even after hiring a professional personal estate manager, it took over three years just to get everything disbursed, and without his help, it would have never gotten done. I've never been through anything so frustrating in my life. So gird up for that as well.
Sorry to hear that. I have a neighbor my age whose husband has had two strokes. He is suffering from early dementia due to the strokes.
CD
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