The General Chat Thread (2016-2022)

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As to the driving...and I'm not saying this would apply to your case, just more of a story:

My dad sounds a bit like your dad - he's the boss and that's all there is to it. He also retired pretty high up at his company, and he's used to being in charge, and he's used to fixing everything for everyone else, and he's having a hard time giving both of those things up.

Anyway, all of my siblings are terrified to take Dad's keys, and when they get in the car with him, they look like they're going to meet their maker (and their changes are probably about 50-50 that they will).

My mom had heart surgery a couple of years ago, all day affair, and we all gathered at the hospital to wait it out. My dad showed up with one of my brothers, and he pulled me aside and said he'd almost gotten them killed on the way down, he'd missed a median and was going the wrong way down a split boulevard, and refused to admit it, saying every other car was wrong (let that sink in...).

"Why'd you let him drive?! You should have taken his damn keys!"

"You know how Dad is, I asked if he wanted me to drive and he said no."

That's my brother, retired Army, scared of his feeble old dad! That should tell you how intimidating my dad can be. :)

When lunchtime came around, my dad announced, "C'mon, boys, we're going to get something to eat!"

I elbowed my brother and mouthed, "Watch and learn..."

Then I walked right up alongside my dad, didn't break my stride, grabbed his keys, kept going, and said, "I'll run ahead and pull the car around front."

And I drove to lunch, and I drove back. :laugh:
 
Yeah, I'm seriously pi$$ed at the wife right now.

We have a long-standing agreement that after 15 Nov, no more buying anything for ourselves until after Christmas, in case one of us bought (or is planning to buy) that thing for the other.

Well, she just popped out with, "Look what I just bought online!" - and it's the one damn thing I'd gotten her for Christmas. 😡

Great Thanksgiving up til now. Nothing to do for it except send it back.
 
TastyReuben said:
As to the driving...and I'm not saying this would apply to your case, just more of a story:

My dad sounds a bit like your dad - he's the boss and that's all there is to it. He also retired pretty high up at his company, and he's used to being in charge, and he's used to fixing everything for everyone else, and he's having a hard time giving both of those things up.

Anyway, all of my siblings are terrified to take Dad's keys, and when they get in the car with him, they look like they're going to meet their maker (and their changes are probably about 50-50 that they will).

My mom had heart surgery a couple of years ago, all day affair, and we all gathered at the hospital to wait it out. My dad showed up with one of my brothers, and he pulled me aside and said he'd almost gotten them killed on the way down, he'd missed a median and was going the wrong way down a split boulevard, and refused to admit it, saying every other car was wrong (let that sink in...).

"Why'd you let him drive?! You should have taken his damn keys!"

"You know how Dad is, I asked if he wanted me to drive and he said no."

That's my brother, retired Army, scared of his feeble old dad! That should tell you how intimidating my dad can be. :)

When lunchtime came around, my dad announced, "C'mon, boys, we're going to get something to eat!"

I elbowed my brother and mouthed, "Watch and learn..."

Then I walked right up alongside my dad, didn't break my stride, grabbed his keys, kept going, and said, "I'll run ahead and pull the car around front."

And I drove to lunch, and I drove back. :laugh:
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Your dad reminds me of a guy I know, he's from a famous family on the west coast. He's from a small town and drives to Dunedin (bigger town) once a year. He took his nephew one time and was telling how everyone in Dunedin knew him. Anyhow he turned into a one way street the wrong way, people in cars were waving at him and all this guy said was, see they're all waving at me. Everyone knows me here,lol. True story!!

Russ
 
TastyReuben said:
Yeah, we've had that with my MIL and we're starting to deal with it with my folks.

My FIL declined quickly and died somewhat unexpectedly, though he was 77. We figured out really quickly that he'd been shielding the extent of his wife's dementia. She made it another three months on her own before one of her daughters went down to FL, put her in the car, and permanently moved her halfway across the country to live with them.

That conversation was, "I'm NOT moving!" (packs suitcase), "There's NOTHING you can say to MAKE me move!" (puts coat on and gets in car), "I'm NOT moving and that's all there is to it!" (drives to Missouri), "I have my OWN house and am perfectly fine!" (gets out of car and goes to her new bedroom. :)

After about 18 months, she had to go into care, and it was the same thing, said she wasn't moving all while unpacking her bag at the facility.

That would be the first piece of advice - don't beat yourself up if a care facility is the best option. My MIL nearly killed herself and others (not attempted suicide/homicide, just accidents) on four occasions before my SIL sucked it up and did what was necessary. Sometimes, professional care is called for. She died three years later, and by that time, it really was a blessing for her.

On my side, my dad (81) is at the stage where he pretty much knows everyone, but he can't remember much from one minute to the next, so it's impossible to carry on any kind of conversation beyond, "How ya doin', Dad?" He's like a tape loop, he just repeats the same jokes and stories and stories and jokes over and over again.

It's hard to explain, but there's just no context to what he says - I can be talking to my mom (who's forgetful but otherwise sharp as a tack), and this'll happen:

"So, Mom, did you say Janet called yesterday?"

"Yes, she sure did and she wa-"

"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK THE SAME ABOUT THAT AS I DO ABOUT THE FELLER WITH ONE LEG...HE COULD RUN FAST, BUT HE SURE COULDN'T GET ANYWHERE! Yessir...had one leg!..."

:meh:

He's also got mobility problems, but won't use a scooter or wheelchair. He mainly goes from sitting in his lounger to sitting in his car to lying in his bed.

Scary thing is, he still drives, and Mom supports that, because she loves to go go go, but she doesn't like to drive. He has no idea how to get anywhere anymore, so Mom directs and he drives, and let's just say, he's never met a red light or a stop sign that he hasn't run. Mom tells me every time I call about the nine near-misses on the way to town and the 12 near-misses on the way back, but her attitude is, "What're gonna do? You can't expect us to sit at home all day!"

Mom is starting to lose it caring for my dad. Dad and Mom have a very traditional relationship for their generation - he says jump, she says how high, and he leads and she follows. If he says something blatantly bonkers, like, "I'm cutting that giant oak tree down that's right next to the house, now get me mah chain saw," she's not going to tell him no or try to persuade him out of it. He's the man, he's the boss, and if that's what he wants, then that's what she supports, but it's wearing her out, because he can't talk to their financial planner anymore, he can't deal with telemarketers or the doctors anymore, it's thrust her into more of a leadership position, and it's really doing her nervous system in.

All us kids have taken a hands-off approach, because you can't talk to Dad sensibly anymore, and Mom can't make a decision to save her life. So I'm just waiting for that phone call one day that Dad's driven through a street fair or Mom has had a heart attack from the stress.

Echoing Backbay, though - patience. You'll learn more about patience than you thought possible. My wife had a major stroke six years ago, but has mostly recovered, but it's affected her enough to drive us both crazy. The key for both of us to make it through the day is patience with her and with each other. Patience with not rushing MrsTasty when she can't find the word she needs (even though I know what she means), patience with myself for when I do lose my temper and speak sharply to her for forgetting to do something she said she'd do, and she has to be forgiving of herself for not being the person she once was.

One other thing - with her parents, my wife had full medical and financial power of attorney. Make sure someone in the family (who can be trusted) has that. Don't wait until they're too far gone, or it's harder to get, because the courts have to get involved. Get it now, and it'll make life so much easier.

Good luck with everything you're going through. You, too, Backbay
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Wow, I don't feel so bad now. My dad isn't that bad... yet.

I mostly worry about his driving. He was never a great driver, and I am a car enthusiast with advanced training and a lot of track time. I have a hard time riding with him. His biggest problem behind the wheel is focus. He is hyper-critical of how other people on the road are driving, to the point that he is so busy barking about them to notice he's driving like an idiot. I've told him, "Dad, there is only one car on the road right now that you can control, and it is the car you are driving." It goes in one ear and out the other. He gets distracted way too easily.

I do monitor my parents finances, and we have big accounts that are in their names and mine and my sisters. So, they can't do anything crazy, since either mine or my sister's signature would be required. But, I really don't worry about that, considering my dad's career. He is still sharp as a tack when it comes to money.

CD
 
TastyReuben said:
More on the POA and all that...if it's you, and you have siblings, be prepared to see a side of some family you really hoped didn't exist. I've seen it with my mom's family, my in-laws when my FIL's mom went into care and finally passed, and now with my wife's family.
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The sole heirs to my parent's wealth is me and my sister. We get along great, and we have already talked about the stuff my parents -- well, my mom -- has accumulated. I know, without a doubt, that she and I will not have any issues with my parents estate. My biggest concern is where I am going to put my grandfather's grand piano that my mom is leaving to me. It takes up a corner of their 30X30 foot living room. It will take up half of mine. I'll have a living room with a piano and two chairs.

But, I do know what you are talking about. When my wealthy grandmother (mom's side) died, The vultures came out of the woodwork. I had to get "face to face" with a few cousins who took things from her house.

CD
 
I must admit, I struggle with the black Friday thing. Following a day of reflections, sharing and family people turn into crazed shoppers as though the apocalypse has arrived and fight each other for a cheap item in a store.

Rich
 
ScandiBrit said:
I must admit, I struggle with the black Friday thing. Following a day of reflections, sharing and family people turn into crazed shoppers as though the apocalypse has arrived and fight each other for a cheap item in a store.

Rich
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Thing is though, a lot of the stuff probably was that price at some point in the year, prices steadily rise over the course of the year then 'dropped down in price' for Black Friday and people fall for it thinking they are getting a bargain when they are not.
We do not get involved :headshake:
 
The fire is now upgraded to emergency. The only road to the coast is closed and it's at 7,000 hectares. It's really not looking good. Needless to say the air quality is 'hazardess to health' to quote and homes have been lost and some have now been told that it's too late to get out and you're on your own. Not something that I was familiar with being from the UK until we came out here. But there comes a time when the RFS which is generally volunteers only, simply can't get to the more remote communities and houses. Unless this rain happens this weekend, I can't see how it is going to stop burning. The area and directions it is going in are remote and there is nothing there but plenty of fire fodder and little water. Sadly the chance of rain tomorrow had pretty much gone... 70% 1-5mm is now 30% less than 1mm. :(
 
TastyReuben said:
Mom is starting to lose it caring for my dad. Dad and Mom have a very traditional relationship for their generation - he says jump, she says how high, and he leads and she follows. If he says something blatantly bonkers, like, "I'm cutting that giant oak tree down that's right next to the house, now get me mah chain saw," she's not going to tell him no or try to persuade him out of it. He's the man, he's the boss, and if that's what he wants, then that's what she supports, but it's wearing her out, because he can't talk to their financial planner anymore, he can't deal with telemarketers or the doctors anymore, it's thrust her into more of a leadership position, and it's really doing her nervous system in.
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I'm lucky in as much as I've always had control of the finances and was the main bread winner. I'm used to doing all the organisation in the house, arranging for repairs whatever. The biggest issue for me right now is being patient (as Backbay mentions). After I've had to repeat the answer to the same question 6 times, because he can't remember he already asked me, I'm at screaming point. I'm not a patient person. I know that what I'm experiencing at the moment is trivial compared to the issues of more advanced dementia (which my Dad suffered from). In the end, as others here have said he had to go into care as he was becoming a danger - setting fire to a chip pan in the middle of the night, for example.
 
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SatNavSaysStraightOn said:
The fire is now upgraded to emergency. The only road to the coast is closed and it's at 7,000 hectares. It's really not looking good. Needless to say the air quality is 'hazardess to health' to quote and homes have been lost and some have now been told that it's too late to get out and you're on your own. Not something that I was familiar with being from the UK until we came out here. But there comes a time when the RFS which is generally volunteers only, simply can't get to the more remote communities and houses. Unless this rain happens this weekend, I can't see how it is going to stop burning. The area and directions it is going in are remote and there is nothing there but plenty of fire fodder and little water. Sadly the chance of rain tomorrow had pretty much gone... 70% 1-5mm is now 30% less than 1mm. :(
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If you have to leave, please do. Wildfires are so, so dangerous. Make a plan and be ready to run.

I'll be thinking about you a lot. Keep us posted when you can.

CD
 
morning glory said:
I'm lucky in as much as I've always had control of the finances and was the main bread winner. I'm used to doing all the organisation in the house, arranging for repairs whatever. The biggest issue for me right now is being patient (as Backbay mentions). After I've had to repeat the answer to the same question 6 times, because he can't remember he already asked me, I'm at screaming point. I'm not a patient person. I know that what I'm experiencing at the moment is trivial compared to the issues of more advanced dementia (which my Dad suffered from). In the end, as others here have said he had to go into care as he was becoming a danger - setting fire to a chip pan in the middle of the night, for example.
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My grandmother (mom's side) would ask me the same question six times in a one hour visit. It drove my mom nuts, but I just answered the question six times, and told my mom to chill out.

I am actually very good with old people who are losing it -- but it is different now that it is my dad. He is not "losing it" yet, but he's showing signs that concern me -- especially knowing he drives a car every day. I really need to have a talk with him about his driving, but haven't found the backbone to do it.

He's always been "the man." It is very hard for me to even think about confronting him. One thing did surprise me and did give me some hope is that he asked me to help him cook the turkey yesterday, and more than that, he asked my to carve it. That came out of nowhere. He voluntarily handed one of his traditional duties over to me.

CD
 
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