Ok, so the food tour went well, the guide was very personable without being super-energetic annoying.
No pics, because I couldn’t be bothered, but first he introduced himself and asked us all to do the same (it was a small group tour), and to name their favorite food Italian food, and as soon as someone said something, he’d say, “That’s not Italian, at least not what you think ravioli/lasagna/spaghetti is. This is what it is…and it was invented in Naples!”
According to him, everything, including water and air, was invented in Naples!
I scored the most points, simply because I said risotto, which was because everyone else said “pizza,” or “spaghetti,” or the worst answer, “all of it!”
He asked what I liked about risotto, I said, “Because it’s good for using up leftovers, it’s never the same,” and then he asked if I cooked, and I said I did, and he said he did, so then we were buddies.
One guy said he was from Texas, and the guide, “Oh, Texas! Everything is bigger and better, yes?!”
The Texan chuckled and said, “Yeah, something like that,” and the guide said, “Well, nobody brags like people from Naples, so you’re about to get a lesson!” - and he was right.
Coffee? Forget everything you know about coffee, Naples invented the coffee business, it’s why all good coffee machines are Italian.
Pizza? Forget it. Naples gave the world the best, most perfect pizza, and the world decided to mess it up. Don’t even mention Hawaiian pizza, those people were proof Satan is working in the human world.
Gnocchi…Naples. Chocolate…Naples perfected it (sorry Belgium). Dried pasta…Naples again. Tomatoes…Naples, nowhere else can grow tomatoes. Mozzarella…Naples, all others, not mozzarella.
Chilies…nope, Naples again! Mexican chilis, too hot, they burn, they overpower the food, burn the tastebuds, kill digestion, but Italian chilies - perfecto! They complement the food, caress the palate, and aid the digestion.
He was a riot…partly because he was 100% serious!
He was also the family cook and gardener, and one really nice touch was that he brought his own smoked peppers from home, ground up, for us to try on the pizza - exactly the right about if spice for me, about a 6 out of 10 for heat.
Anyway, onto the food:
First stop was a very elegant coffee bar, in a hotel, very spacious, lots of glass and chrome. Beautiful.
We got coffee and some kind of pastry, I missed the name, but it sort of looked like a seashell, flaky and somewhat triangular, and filled with sweetened ricotta. Delicious.
MypinchofItaly probably knows what it’s called, started with the letter “S.”
He came to me and asked if I liked it, I said it was delicious, and he said, “You can’t make it, though. You’re not Italian, so it will come out wrong. I’m Italian, and I can’t make it, either!”
That was his opportunity to tell us no one else but Italians know how to make and drink coffee!
Second stop was pizza, where he corrected the idea that locals eat pizza with a knife and fork - “You can…but it is wrong!”
He said a knife and fork is used to
cut it into triangular pieces, then used to flop the wet center point back onto the top of the slice, then the slice is picked up by the hand and folded.
I ate mine with a knife and fork all the way.
One side note, there were some funny/ribald illustrations on the wall, like squares with numbers and an associated picture. These had something to do with bingo/tombola, and the pictures were good for a laugh.
There would be a number, say 17, and then a cartoon drawing of a topless woman with a big chest, then the Italian label, then the English translation, like “t*ts,” and another one with a woman’s bouncy bare bottom. There was one with a man looking down into his trousers, with the waistband pulled out, forlorn look on his face, and our guide said that one was because, “it…you know…no longer works!”
Each person got a caprese salad, half of a standard Neapolitan pizza, a glass of wine, and a shot of limoncello. All very good.
Last place was gelato, two scoops, and I got vanilla and dark chocolate for my scoops. Also good, though gelato isn’t really my thing.
The last thing he did was give us a card with a QR code on it to review the tour, and he said “Naples has a reputation as a dangerous place, so if nothing else, tell them you didn’t get robbed today!”
I hope not.
but we make the best of what we have. 
